The Beginnings of the End.

The autumn of any year brings with it the beginnings of the end.  So it is perceived too by many 2^nd level Students as they begin their last year of senior cycle.    It is at this time of the year that I meet students in all their rich diversity of potential and sometimes, along with their parents, in their understandable mindset to want the best for their offspring.

The focus is inevitably on Subject / Career choice which is going to give the student the best chance of getting points.   The conversation around these topics can often be fraught with students and parents having divergent views.   This is all normal and understandable.  I hold the middle ground.

I tend to take the view that if the temperament, interests and disposition of the student, are identified and taken into account, then, the question of subject choice and the weightier questions of career choice emerge in their own good time. We may at times even be surprised at what that can look like when it does eventually emerge.    The conversations are always valuable in a number of ways, in that it potentially clarifies the personal strengths of the student and the general areas that would create the opportunities for the student to flourish most in, but more of that later.

As the conversation usually progresses it is always a peeling back and a description of how the mind works.   It is also a description of the type of conversations we all tend to have with each other.  Parent, Child relationships are clarified. The language of negative beliefs about ourselves and others is invariably evident.     Negative predictions about the future come and go. i.e. “I’ll never be able to do that”.    The detritus of the past is revisited.  i.e. “If you had only applied yourself last year”.   However, in a coaching sense it is much better to move in the direction of your strengths and learn from that experience including mistakes.  In this triadic conversation of Student, Parent and Coach, the challenge is to focus on HOW you are going to do that, rather than to look back and (maybe) regret (or blame) that you didn’t do more last year. It is about learning from the experience of last year and deciding what things you need to change.

It is often the case that awareness levels are low. The student may not be fully aware of how unique they are, in terms of your own intelligence, abilities and potential.  The challenge of this coaching conversation and for all three participants in this dance is to generate suitable choices and as the year progresses to CAO and Exam time refine those choices.

However, there are no easy ways or “magic wands”. It does require commitment on the part of the student to focus on the NOW, to begin and plan to organise their time in a balanced way so that they do “have a life”, stay fresh and put in the hours required to give them the best choices.  In reality it is about nobody else but the student and as Nuala O Faoilain said, it does in bottom line terms (pardon the pun) require “Seat of Pants on seat of Chair” for the student to give themselves the best chance.  The challenge as always is how to get that message to register. How do you get the penny to drop?

It is really about the story of choice.  In recounting the story of choice, the coach must develop the shared understanding of what can be controlled.  In reality what we can control is our own performance, our own effort, our own reaction to setbacks (and success) and our own thinking.   For the parent there may be a realization that I cannot impose my agenda however well intentioned.  As the parent, I may realize that at some point (often in the coaching engagement) that I too have the choice to let go and maybe learn a different conversation and language which holds the space between me and my child.  It is not a question of WHY, but rather of HOW. How can I the parent support the learning and development of my child, which are two distinctly different notions, rather than drive the achievement of my child, often based on my own fears and insecurities?

As a student, I maybe lucky enough to realize that I am in control of myself in terms of taking full responsibility for myself, my effort and my performance.   This is not magic wand stuff. This takes time to emerge and for different students it emerges at different rates and for some of us it may not emerge at all.  It is a question of personal awareness which is one part of emotional intelligence.

The challenge for the coach is to raise levels of awareness in terms of amongst other things, the unique history and habits, temperament, personality and potential that we all have.   Such insights can be facilitated by the use of psychometric tests and their judicious application to the coaching conversation.

The coaching conversation can go on indefinitely, but a move to action is inevitably required to deliver the performance needed to flourish.   This is about the personal motivation of the student, but it is about dealing with the fears and uncertainties of the student also.    This is an area where the insights of coaching and in particular coaching psychology can inform how we as either a parent or student tend to deal with our own uncertainties.    It can be a rich source of learning and confidence building which is the Big C (Confidence) of performance.    If you are the parent, that learning may be the confidence to let go and hold the space or indeed in the case of the student to trust yourself and take full (Maybe not even that at this stage) responsibility for the year that lies ahead.

I tend to see choices and indeed all choice for that matter as neither right nor wrong.  Hopefully in the coaching conversation, we make choices, based on the best available information at this particular time and move on to modify those choices (if necessary) based on feedback. (Either it is working or not working) and in so doing we learn.  Isn’t that what it is all about?

For all involved both student and parent, it does take courage to embrace the challenge of the year ahead.   But the strange thing is that courage comes before confidence.  Make a plan and look forward.  But focus on the here and now where you can have real impact.   It gives all participants in this dance the best opportunity to flourish.

Coming to your senses in West Kerry or The Day of the Mindful Stick.

Every story and journey starts with a beginning.  This might be self evident but when you gather a group of strangers together for the first time, that beginning, in terms of the “Me” and the “Us”, can be very uncertain.      All interaction and group process is ultimately about a conversation and relationships.     It is at this point of tentative beginnings, that you realise, that there is no such thing as a self managing group.   The need for facilitation of some sort to begin the process of group development is obvious.  The need for leadership is also evident, if only to build trust at the level of the “Me” and “Us”.

On Saturday 22^nd May, a disparate group of individuals of unique experience and enormous potential gathered in the Community Hall, Castlegregory, in what can only be described as Costa Del weather.   They did so out of a curiousity to explore the concept of mindful walking and also the notion of what it really means to come to our senses.

The day long programme started with an introduction to the untapped power of that brain that we all possess.    In fact two brains were described.    One an intuitive Stone Age brain which works rapidly in response to perceived threat.  That brain protects us, along with adding richness to our experience.    At its most efficient, it is that gut feeling which points us in the direction of our passion and what works best for us. At its worst, it is an inner critic that can distort our thinking and limit our possibilities in so many negative ways.

The other is a logical, rational, analytical brain which given enough time, has wonderful powers, but which binds us to the notion of results and avoids the possibility of intuitive emergent outcomes.   Einstein once said “The rational mind is a faithful servant; the intuitive mind a sacred gift. The paradox of modern life is that we have begun to worship the servant and defile the divine”.   The tension that arises between both brains can lead us all into a vortex of continuous mindless doing.    When is enough enough?  The challenge is to find the balance. That is the balance of not only doing in a mindful way but also, paradoxically, on occasions doing nothing but “Being”.

Having completed part one of the programme and having nominated a “Taoiseach” for the day, the group was introduced to Timothy Sweeney from the Kalyana Centre for Mindfulness in Clohane.   I know that each one was moved in their own way by Timothy’s powerfully gentle way of “Being” (In the moment).   However for me, when he invited us to stand and experience the constant motion that we are, I really understood our individual energy and the power of paying attention in a mindful way.  It was certainly a challenge to maintain our physical balance but also perhaps to maintain balance at the level of our own thinking and emotions. He invited us to come to our senses and to take that understanding with us on our journey to Annauscaul.   I feel that we all did that at the level of our awareness but we had much to learn about what that meant where the “Me” and the “Us” intersect.

When walking the metaphor of the journey is powerful. We had a very well specified goal of reaching the South Pole Inn but that was really not the point.  It was about the journey. Could it be the same with all the other goals we set ourselves?   All the while our own personal style, temperament and even uncertainties intermingled with our responsibility to the group.  “Should I slow up the group to deal with my own issue?”  Why not take a different direction”?  Maybe we didn’t come here on our own terms really.

As mentioned previously, it is not about getting to the destination.   It is about what you can learn on the way.  Stopping to look how far we have come.   Stopping to rest when necessary.   Stopping to celebrate.  Stopping to be more aware of how connected we are.  There is no need to rush to closure. The end will come soon enough.

The really interesting thing is where does the “Me” (Self) end and where does the group (“Us”) begin. Psychology has much to say about social conformity and the secret life of groups but to what degree does the group limit individual potential and to what degree do we have to accept that?   All interesting questions but perhaps for another day.

On the journey through Maghnabo (Pasture of the cows) it is almost impossible not to connect to your senses.   It is also impossible not to understand how far we have come from the challenges of living in a famine village.  It is hard not to be impressed by the enormity of the glaciated valley of Maghnabo as you arrive at the headwall and there appears to be no way out. There is; up and more.

We made our way steadily out of the valley, gaining over one thousand feet in the process. It was a challenge but taking it “Poly Poly”, we arrived at our lunch stop.

The second part of the day saw the “Taoiseach” lead his group into the heart of the Dingle Peninsula. Three hundred and sixty degree vistas were truly breathtaking and inspiring.  In the moving conversation as we went, relationships were beginning to form in exchanges of interests, past experiences, challenges and success.  Having traversed the peninsula, a series of switchbacks saw us arrive at Lake Annauscaul where our transport was waiting to take us to the South Pole Inn.

The South Pole Inn is a veritable museum. It was also home to Tom Crean of Antarctic fame.  We chatted about the learning of the day in the context of personal change and some deeper insights into what Tom Crean knew only too well.  We are all leaders who can inspire ourselves and others. We can all make our contribution. We need that now perhaps more than ever.  In the challenge of the day, each member of the group changed in subtle and not so subtle ways.  But the fact remains, in understanding how the mind works and in coming to our senses in awareness and in a more mindful way, we can better tap into solutions and the unique positive energy and potential that we all have, in a more balanced and knowing way.    Who knows what might happen when you take that first step. You might actually arrive at your destination which in reality is very much unknown and unknowable, but in the excitement of the journey, which Morgan Freemen describes so well in “The Shawshank Redemption”.

It was a good day and after a gentle tap of the mindful stick, we scattered to continue our own individual, unique and exciting journeys.  Every story and journey also has an end. The “Me” and the “Us” were less uncertain, only because of the shared conversation and relationships built. That is really all we ever have.

“Life is like a game of Rugby Football”.

Life is like the biggest game of rugby football you will ever play.  You can decide how you want to play.  It is crucial to have a game plan.  However, if you keep changing the game plan you can get confused and demotivated and there is no point in pursuing a game plan that is patently not working.   You can also spend your time endlessly mulling over the game plan and not test it.

Having a game plan is the easy bit. Actually testing it and executing it well, is the hard bit. How do you execute when you are under pressure, when it doesn’t go the way you anticipated or wanted, when you are tired and you don’t have the ball?  Where are you and the other leaders that will clarify and update and change the game plan in the white heat of action?

It takes courage to stay in the game and at times to get back in the game. It is only in the game that you can test yourself and learn and become a better player.  It takes even more courage to get up when you have been surprised or dumped back on your pants after taking a massive hit…  It takes persistence to keep coming back to make that tackle and even then you can find yourself back on your own line with a scrum five to defend.    It also takes patience and creativity to work your way back up the field when things have gone against you.

When you do have the ball it takes even more patience to hold on to it and make it count. If you are lucky enough to have too much possession it takes a special type of confidence not to waste it and overplay.  If you are a front row forward you depend on the out-half to put you down there. If you are an out half you depend on the pack to get you the ball. It’s a team game too.

Sometimes it doesn’t make sense.  You are playing well but not being rewarded.  It may not seem fair, but rugby is still a beautiful game and worth playing.  Life is actually a bit like that, sometimes not fair, but altogether a beautiful game too.  As with both, you decide if and how you want to play.  You identify your own strengths. You take the responsibility.  But this is a responsibility borne out of fully understanding what you can control. Can you control the weather conditions?  No. Can you control the other team? No. Can you control the referee? No. All you can control is your own performance, your own effort, your own reaction to setback and success and ultimately your own thinking.

If you do decide to really embrace the challenge and play, then what is your best position?   If you play out of position, then you will not be using your unique strengths and skills and ability, which add value in their own way.   How do you work on your performance?  How do you prepare? How do you control your own fears and uncertainties? How do you learn from previous games?

Rugby is a real game. Life is the ultimate game.  It is in the battle that you get stronger and add whatever value it is, you uniquely possess and have to give. There is a job for everyone.

And then again, if you decide to play, what values are important in the game of rugby football?   You alone must decide, but honesty, courage, loyalty, commitment, integrity, trust, determination, dependability and more, are all core values important to your team mates when you are on the five metre line.  I never liked playing with someone I couldn’t depend on or trust in the trenches.  Life is very much the same. Trust is really what it is all about.   What type of team player will you be? Will you build trust?  Can they depend on me?

This game of rugby football is your story too.   Only you can write it. Only you can play the lead role in your story.   But remember, it is not all about you.  For those that understand the game of rugby, know that there are stars, from one to fifteen and beyond.

Oh, and by the way.  In rugby football, the great thing is that you can be substituted.  Unfortunately, life differs somewhat from rugby.    Yes, in rugby you can be substituted, but remember there are no substitutes in your own private personal game of life’s full metal jacket, full on rugby.   Only you can play or indeed not play in your best position.  Over to you.  Your CHOICE.   Kick off into them.

And by the way and for another day, what is the role of the Coach in all this?

How do you deal with your FEARS and Uncertainty?

Over the last while, this magnificent country of ours has taken a terrible battering in terms of setbacks of all kinds.    We all have been and continue to be affected.  Last week I had occasion to present at the Confidence in Action Conference – Routes to Recovery.

Listening to other speakers, it crystallized a number of things, in that while it is necessary to take the best advice from and be inspired by those who have been through the mill, it is fundamental to our own individual and very personal well being and success in the future that we all address how we individually explain and make meaning in our own world.  It is critical that we take personal responsibility for our own journey.

I have recently heard people say that they can’t trust others, that they fear failure, that they fear being judged by others and more.   This is not something that just appeared.   Sure, from an evolutionary perspective, we are psychologically hardwired to react to threat and to take appropriate action.   However, when our distorted thinking is at the level of seeing threat around us, to the extent that it undermines our confidence and performance, then I ask, how well do you know and understand how you yourself, deal with uncertainty in your life.

This is a BIG Question. It is perhaps the biggest learning and understanding that you will potentially gain in your life but the majority of people just roll along mindlessly reacting to whatever presents and otherwise distracting themselves from their true value and potential.    They then wonder why it all goes wrong even in success.

What I describe is much more than having a good plan, being logical and rational or being goal driven.   It is about knowing and fully accepting and trusting yourself.  It is about being true to yourself and those values of honesty and integrity and building (rebuilding) TRUST  .    It is about doing the right thing when in doubt.  It is about discovering your own passion and being mindful.

From the time we are born we begin to learn and develop our own mental models of how the world works.  In understanding our own personal models we can become more aware that we too have absorbed some of the negative learning. “I wouldn’t do that if I was you”.    (But, you are not me), “I know you won’t be able to do that” (Says Who) You got that wrong. (Yes, but what have I learned?)  …. And more.

The truth is you don’t have to be anything other than who you are in all your undiscovered potential. But you do have to take responsibility.  As Steve De Shazer said, “Let’s mine the past for the ore of the solution, not the detritus of the problem. Also let’s have a plan for the future and an outline (Fuzzy) appreciation of what it might look like when I get there. But and this is the nub, let’s take full responsibility for ourselves here and now and lets regain the excitement of that journey we have all been on, where while the destination might be generally known, one never knows the wonderful things that will emerge along the way.   Sure, there are aalways setbacks but this country is still a wonderful place. Yes, you can play with your attitude to make it better. You too can change.