Coaching on Viber- Is it possible? Read on and make up your own mind.
Context: Client presenting with general anxiety around personal health with a tendency to predict the future negatively, borderline catastrophisation. Took a break at work to engage in the following (online conversation) exchange of texts.
Duration: 40 minutes.
Client: Young Adult Female. 24yrs.
Coach: Hi there. Can we just work through a few questions and you respond as best you can?
Client: OK.
Coach: First text question. What can you control in your life?
Coachee: My thoughts?
Coach: Question 2. Are your thoughts real? i.e. If you think about something in the future and predict it negatively, does it often come true? Like have you recently won money at the races?
Coachee: No.
Coachee: I know I know. I actually haven’t really been worrying about it only if I have time to think like at work sometimes.
Coach: Question 3. If you are no good at predicting the future then what are your options?
Coachee: Not predict it. Just roll with it. What is going to happen will happen and I can’t do anything about that but I CAN live my life!!!
Coach: Question 4. Where can you be most effective in your life and use the brain that you have to best effect to learn from the past and plan for the future?
Coachee: I was actually very proud of myself. I only rang the doctors after a week after the tests. Before when I’ve had one done I’d have rung after 2 days, every day maybe.
Coach: You didn’t answer the question
Coachee: Work, at home, my family, my boyfriend.
Coach: Not the right answer. Try again.
Coachee: Why is that wrong? Oh, in my thinking.
Coach: Try again.
Coachee: Thinking ?!?!?!?
Coach: Not the right answer. If you can think in the past and the future, where can you only take action?
Coachee: Now (Smiley)
Coach: 100%.
Coach: Question 5. Now what are your options?
Coachee: Live in the NOW. Not think about what could be wrong with me because I can’t change that.
Coach: Question 6. What is the only moment you ever have to experience life as it is, positive, negative or neutral, to savour, to be grateful?
Coachee: This moment.
Coach: Question 7. How do you know you are in this moment and nowhere else? This moment of learning and exquisite beauty. This moment that is now gone forever. Delay by Coachee…………… Answer required. This is a big question.
Coachee: By thinking of nothing but what is happening in front of me and around me.
Coach: Question 8. How do you know you are doing that?
Coachee: Because I shouldn’t be worried about myself or have a care in the world. Only about what is happening in front of me.
Coach: Not the required answer. You have only one attempt left before I give you some feedback. This is a big, hard question?
Coachee: Because I will be giving 110% focus on what I’m doing and not wasting concentration on something I can’t control.
Coach: OK. That’s good. Now, just take a moment. Sit at your desk or wherever you can be comfortable. Relax as best you can without drawing attention to yourself. Inhale slowly and deeply. Focus on the in breath right to the top. Then slowly exhale until you have completely let go of any struggle or thoughts you might have. Like the waves, all thoughts pass. Do this regularly, especially when you want to focus your attention.
And especially when you feel that you are getting anxious about whatever. SLOW down into the NOW.
Coachee: I feel like when I do it, every time, I forget more about what I am worrying about.
Coach: Great. The on-board computer / brain you have is only as good as the energy available to it. Manage that energy. Focus that energy and attention on what you can control as best you can. Yesterday is gone. Learn from it. Tomorrow will look after itself but have a plan all the same. NOW is the moment to DO or to BE. Your Choice.
Imagine you are at a bus stop and your thoughts are like buses flying by. Sometimes they appear to be arriving together. Realistically you can travel on only one bus at a time. You decide.
Another way of looking at your thoughts is like you are at the beach and depending on the weather those thoughts / waves may arrive with greater or lesser energy. Would it be wise in a storm to walk into the tide and try to keep the waves back? The positive CHOICE you have is to SURF the thought until the energy is taken out of it at the end. Happy Surfing. Any Questions.
Coachee: Thanks a million. I appreciate that. I feel so much better.
End of Session.
A Short Reflection on Expectancy and the Mystical.
Clifford Geertz in his 1973 book, The Interpretation of Cultures: Selected Essays defines religion as;
(1) A system of symbols which acts to
(2) establish powerful, pervasive and long lasting moods and motivations in men by
(3) formulating conceptions of a general order of existence and
(4) clothing these conceptions with such an aura of factuality that
(5) the moods and motivations seem uniquely realistic.
He goes on to say that, they (symbols) are tangible formulations of notions, abstractions from experience fixed in perceptible forms, concrete embodiments of ideas, attitudes, judgements, longings or beliefs. Symbols thus might be described as social constructions arising out of the uncertainty which every day challenges the human condition. We cannot predict the future and as such we live in a constant state of uncertainty which in curious symbolic ways we try to make certain.
At a recent lunch of retired officers of the Irish Defence Forces, we were invited to stand while God (for some a certain notion or factuality) was invited to bless our food before and after its consumption and to give thanks for that. I did reflect that giving thanks was a wonderful and indeed necessary recognition of the occasion and the sharing involved in the occasion but the necessity in this third millennium, to invoke some power beyond our own in that room was completely lost on me, to the extent that it prompted this reflection.
The National Post (Brean, J 2013) recently ran an article on Quantum computing and the incredible possibilities into the future. Mike Lazaridas, the founder of Blackberry is putting a considerable fortune into quantum level technology which hasn’t yet been invented. That involves tremendously exciting scientific research and holds out real hope for the future.
In the context of this uncertainty (what we cannot confidently predict about the future) he mentioned that, “The most boring thing in the world would be if we did all these experiments and we got nothing new, we just verified everything we predicted.” He went on to say “It’s more of an expectancy, as opposed to an uncertainty. The uncertainty is only in the sense that we just don’t know. But the expectancy is that it will be better than we can predict,” he said. What a wonderful approach this is. This notion of expectancy also resonates with people of so called “faith” but theirs is a different expectancy. It is very much around “heavens reward thinking.
Scientific discoveries at the quantum level, identified the notion of superposition,” a state in which one particle can be in many states at the same time, both up and down and here and there. (Brean, J. 2013) This scientific notion of superposition while not fully understood yet is the basis of scientific research of facts. It is not symbolic. It is not superstition. It is not a factuality constructed out of a hopeful delusional expectancy of some reward elsewhere. If we had not embarked on the scientific journey of discovery centuries ago, we would still be attributing solar eclipses to the hand of some external divine force controlling us.
As Morgan Freeman, said so eloquently in the “Shawshank Redemption,” The excitement of the journey where the destination is unknown”. Scientific research at the quantum level is about an expectancy that we can make the unknown known. It is magical and mystical in its own right even at this symbolic time (for some) of the year. It is magical and mystical like the gathering of old friends last week. No need for symbolic invocations. We could always stick to the facts, live with expectancy and possibility and in a world of uncertainty give thanks as follows;
The earth gives us the food we eat.
The sun warms it and makes it sweet.
The seeds are spread on the wind that blows.
The rain falls down to help it grow.
We now remember all who give
Of themselves that we may live. (Author Unknown)
References.
Brean, Joseph. The National Post. http://news.nationalpost.com/2013/12/07/the-quantum-computing-revolution-blackberry-billionaire-mike-lazaridis-is-betting-on-tech-that-hasnt-been-invented-yet/ Retrieved on 8.12.13
Geertz, Clifford. (1973) The Interpretation of Cultures. New York: Basic Books.
Change – A Thought for today.
• In engaging with the challenges that like us all, you face and that can persist for us all, and also in terms of the manner in which you currently think, currently engage emotionally, and as a consequence currently behave, to what degree at this moment in time on your own unique and special journey, does all of this define your sense of self ? (esteem and worth, happiness and well-being)
• To what degree is all of this and the potential benefits (there are some) attached to your current style of engagement, serving you well or otherwise at the moment?
• If not, what do you really need to “know” about the current struggle? What might you accept in a mindful way in terms of self and other? In moving to a potentially better place, what do you need to let go of? (STOP-START-CONTINUE) What would creating a different meaning framework for yourself look like? How could you define yourself in different ways that might add different possibilities to what you currently do so well? In reality, it is a question (beyond fear) of how you could be with the world in an open and curious way that will give yourself and others the best chance to be the best you and they can be for themselves and the world. That in nutshell, is Mindful Coaching and Mindful Self-Coaching. It is about a lighter touch in the world. A curiosity and a lightness and spacious awareness that all is ok. The world is unfolding in its own time and I am lucky enough to be part of that amazing process.
• No one said it would be easy but it is a choice to keep doing what you are doing or perhaps experiment with something different. Is it worth it to create new and different meaning for yourself? Is it worth it to experiment with that mindful lightness? Only you can make that courageous decision. Good Luck.
Mindfulness – A Thought for today.
Mindfulness is a topic which is being talked a lot about these days. It is however important to be comfortable with what mindfulness is and is not.
Mindfulness is not about being somewhere better or in a better, happier, contented, calm state or frame of mind. Yes, this can happen through practice, but it is not about the end of the struggle today might bring, or that has been with us for some time. We are all in this struggle of life. Sometimes it goes well (according to our particular perceptions), sometimes, it goes badly according to our perceptions also.
And mindfulness is fundamentally about a choice. Do I continue the struggle? Do I, in my own unique way, continue to resist what is bad and attach myself to what is perceived, good or better? Do I continue to blindly attach myself to, or resist my emotions, either positive or negative? Do I continue to react and behave in ways that might not be working for me or serving me well?
Mindfulness is about developing a practice that is accepting of what is from moment to moment, good bad or indifferent. It is about accepting and savouring the good and simple moments. It is about accepting non-judgementally the bad moments. Good or bad or neutral, they are all visitors which come and go. We can engage them in a mindful way when they visit, but we need not insist that they take up lodgings.
Mindfulness is about “The Knowing” of all this.
Will mindfulness change what is going to happen today? No. Mindfulness is not about leaving the world of action or doing either. That world of action and doing as a parent, as a coach, as a worker, as a manager, as a leader, as a brother, as a sister, as a wife, as a husband can and will be challenging and chaotic from time to time.
Mindfulness is also about knowing this world of action and doing more intimately and bringing more clarity to the potential chaos. Some of us have or will be visited with immense challenges. Struggling and resisting like a fish on a hook or a diver caught in the seaweed is one choice. Mindfulness and most importantly its’ practice is another. We do have choice. Whether we take it is another matter. My Choice !!!
Coaching Psychology and Coaching: A Middle Way.
University College Cork is rich in history. Yesterday was just another one of those days in creating some more. The first ever Irish Masters programme in Coaching Psychology commenced.
In 2007, Stephen Palmer and Alison Whybrow suggested that Coaching Psychology is for enhancing well-being and performance in personal life and work domains. The new masters’ programme in the School of Applied Psychology will involve the academic exploration of models of coaching and psychological approaches to well-being and performance which are based on adult and child learning theory. But to what end you may ask?
Many writers have pointed to the necessity for a fundamental shift in consciousness because if we keep doing what we are doing we will keep getting what we are getting in an increasingly complex and uncertain world. Coaching Psychology and Coaching is about that shift. It is about the research and application of new evidence based insight from psychology in general and positive psychology in particular. It is about a consideration of the practical coaching demands of an emotionally intelligent conversation and building relationships in life and work. It is about exploring the emerging insights in neuroscience and contemplative neuroscience. (Mindfulness) It is in many ways about understanding a middle way.
The so called “Celtic Tiger” and its’ austere aftermath is perhaps a good example of the need for a middle way which embraces a new leadership paradigm. As Richard Barrett (2010) suggests in The New Leadership Paradigm: Leading Self, Leading others, leading an organisation, Leading in society, we need to shift from the I to the We, from what is in it for me to what is best for the common good and from aiming to be the best in the world to focusing on being the best for the world.
Professor Matthijs Schouten of Wageningen University in the Netherlands in a recent lecture on Buddhism and Mindfulness pointed to “The Knowing”. Knowing the fundamental essence of your own existence and being in relation to all that is in this world. In all our lives there is a critical tension between aloneness and belonging which needs to be understood in terms of a better way. Perhaps a middle way that the coaching psychology masters programme explores.
The Psychology of Procrastination, Mindful Self Coaching and Improving your approach performance.
1. Decisions – Are about an argument in your head. Yes I should. No I won’t. Maybe I will!! Perhaps I can’t.
2. What is going on in your head? The Limbic system wants to play and have some fun and the Prefrontal Cortex wants to make higher level serious decisions but the Amygdala wants to have its say also in terms of fear and anxiety and potential threat. A lot going on internally and externally.
3. Procrastination is your delay / avoidance response to a stimulus (Something needs to be done) but a number of issues can arise;
a. Knowing where to start. (Seems Overwhelming.)
b. Displeasure. ( I could be doing stuff I might like more)
c. Fear of failure. (What happens if it isn’t as good as I think it should be?
d. Guilt. (I should be doing / have done something today) And a potential spiral !!!!! More anxiety and stress.
4. The Answer. Meta-Cognition – Thinking about thinking, Mindful Self Coaching, and the F.A.R Planning approach. (Focus, Act, Review / Reflect / Rest))
5. The Plan. (What is the plan to give yourself the best chance?)
a. Goals. (Small ones) Eating the Elephant piece by piece is less overwhelming. It requires patience.
b. Time. Set aside some. I will work from whenever to whenever regardless of output. (As Nuala O’Faoileain said “You have no chance / hope without Seat of Pants on Seat of Chair”.
c. Plan Resources. What do I need? Assemble it in one place as best you can.
d. Plan the Process. Visualize it. See yourself on that chair !!!.
e. Plan for distractions. (Go to your place where you won’t be distracted. (The Library, wherever) Switch off the mobile etc. Bring a bottle of water so you won’t feel the need to go buy / get one)
f. Plan for Failure. (Roadblocks.) If you do hit the wall. Take a break. Rest and Return. Definitely a time for mindfulness and completely detach for a while. Avoidance can be productive.
g. Plan to learn. Reflect on how this overall process affects your performance and modify to suit you.
h. Manage your energy. Rest and Return.
Good Luck.
This modification / adaptation for Mindfulness based Self Coaching (MBSC) arises from a link circulated by Professor Stephen Palmer and acknowledges the Presentation by Vik Nithy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WD440CY2Vs0 Its well worth having a look at.
“Walk and Talk” off the Beaten Track.
For most of us, our lives are hectic and busy. It even seems at times, to be getting busier. The current economic climate is challenging. There is great uncertainty about, generally. We seem to have to do more with less. Others seem to be increasingly demanding of us. They appear to want more of us and our time. One day melts into another. We appear to be on auto-pilot a lot of the time. It is all about doing. It is all about problems. It is all about tasks and outcomes and results. This is the world that most of us, to varying degrees, if we care to be honest, inhabit. This is the world that we are challenged to perform in and to make a life for ourselves, and to make a living to provide for our families.
Because of how we can get sucked in to this ongoing story and because of how ready we can be to take the bait, over time this can have serious consequences for our health, for our relationships, for our well-being and indeed overall happiness and performance. At times some may feel resigned to this. Some may even feel stuck. Some may feel stressed, anxious or possibly overwhelmed with the demands of all this doing and all this responsibility. This is life at the coal face.
However, all of us not only at times take the bait and get sucked in; but strangely, we are very adept at adding layers of additional misery on to our current challenges. We are very good at jumping to conclusions and predicting the future negatively. We are very good at reading other people’s minds. Pain is a reality in life, but adding to it, is a choice which we sometimes, without much awareness, too readily make.
There are however better choices. There is value in taking time out to STOP. There is value in disputing and challenging some of the rules and beliefs and self-limiting assumptions we make about ourselves, others and the wider world.
“Walk and Talk” off the beaten track is a journey and a story in the making, much like the lives we lead. It is your story. It goes on. It has its challenges. It has some rough and some smooth. You don’t know what lies around the next bend. It has its ups and downs. It has its rests and its active stages. It has a goal. It has an interesting conversation to be explored. It has all of this but it requires the first step!
This unique journey and story can engage you at many levels. It can engage you at the physical level of your senses. It can engage you at the emotional level of your moods and feelings and how you are dealing with the challenge. It can engage you at the psychological level of your thinking and how you perceive the challenge. For some it even engages them at the spiritual level and the level of their own personal meaning.
In short it is an opportunity to STOP and reflect for a very short time and connect with your strengths and the positive energy you possess. It is an opportunity to see what a balanced approach to your unique life and work might mean. It is an opportunity to get some feedback at all the levels mentioned and where appropriate to learn a better way for you. It is an opportunity to have a conversation with yourself and others. It is an opportunity to take a break and enjoy yourself in a special way off the beaten track There are different ways of viewing things and better ways of doing things. All that it requires is the first step…….
Contact: Hugh O’Donovan and Associates.
http://www.hoda.ie
This New Year (2013) there is no such thing as success or failure.
At this time of year, regardless of our intrinsic beliefs or lack of them, we are inexorably drawn into the inspirational story of birth and renewal. It is all around us as a driving force. The Sun was at its lowest point in the South on the 21st of December. The days are short and the nights are long but the sun is about to return to warm us. This is something to look forward to.
This story of rebirth is not a story of success or failure. It is the story of life and growth. In fact, the notions of success and failure are psychologically constructed and indeed have the potential to imprison us, should we not be aware of their power. If we are mindful enough to identify and grasp the essence of this, the only reality is not so called success or failure but rather the potential within us all, to create our individual and collective future here and now, in this present moment of action.
So what does that mean to you at the start of a New Year? What new knowledge are you going to seek out this year? What new skills will you master? What new experiences will you enjoy and savour? How might your attitude change this year?
Having asked these questions, there is always the reality of the restraining forces at work in our lives. What are those rules and beliefs we have about ourselves and the world that may not be serving us well? There is for some the painful reality of not having a job. For others the reality is bereavement and loss and separation. For still others there is the pain of vulnerability, lack of confidence and an inability to deal with uncertainty. There is much of that about. There was much of that about in Cork Airport early this morning as parents scattered their beloved children to the four corners of the world.
Wherever you find yourself this New Year whether being driven on in hope or indeed temporarily stuck in the dimness of the suns lowest point, take action, make a plan however fuzzy. Share that plan and bring life to it. Keep doing stuff to accumulate new knowledge, skills and experience because in so doing your attitude will invariably change and more often than not for the better. This present moment of possibility is a very precious and uncertain one. Go for it. You will only get some feedback. It is in that feedback that we all learn. Let 2013 be a good year for challenge, learning and growth and change where appropriate.
Good Luck. Enjoy the present moment and lots of them.
Truth or Questions.
Truth or Questions in Glentanassig.
Another car bomb in Beirut.
Great uncertainty.
But my truth is true. Allah be praised.
Bodies’ part but I am happy for a day in my certainty.
I believe in nothing.
But I live in the question. Curiousity speaks.
I am happy in my uncertainty; Now is an experiment in respect.
It could be better.
I believe in one truth less than you.
Evidence, reason, testimony.
Were it that simple,
But we can only hope in the question. Keep going.
Hugh O'Donovan 