The Psychology of Taking Offence.

There is a lot going on in our world of daily life and business.  The manner in which we perceive and process this world has a considerable impact on our performance and well-being both as individuals and as members of groups. In this respect we have evolved to be threat detectives for both ourselves and the group. We do this unconsciously and it is purely to make sure of our friends and to maintain our own sense of self and integrity. We do this to some extent all the time in our lives. And as Robin Williams said to Matt Damon in Goodwill Hunting; “You are not to blame.

As threat detectives we are at one and the same time both rational and irrational. We have emotions. In many instances of helplessness, suffering and anger where we do not have the ability or the willingness to take ownership of the perceived challenges we can use these emotions to manipulate other people in an effort to get them to respond more favourably to us.

Add to this the fatal human flaw of attributing deliberate intent to other people and explaining our own shortcomings based on situational factors, we can see how easy it is to give and to take offence.

A curious paradox of human emotion is that we have evolved to be both co-operative and empathetic on the one hand and contrary and vengeful on the other. This allows us both to make friends and also to ensure as Clint Eastwood once said in one of his spaghetti westerns with regard to those so called friends, “don’t pee on me and tell me it’s raining”.

Those threats we mentioned earlier go to the heart of maintaining our sense of self which is fundamentally constructed around respect (our perceived status), reciprocity (our perception of what is fair response to our actions and finally, reputation (with regard to our perceived qualities and personal values).   At the point where the urge to be co-operative and the desire for self interest and to maintain the integrity of the self meet is the point where conflict arises in terms of relationships. It takes a particular maturity and intelligence to hold that space in an emotionally intelligent way.

It can also be said that the more attached you are to your sense of self the more you are on the alert to identify potential threats. This for some people is a mindless and painful cycle and the antidote rests in getting more comfortable and at ease with fact (That which we assess as unchangeable), possibility (that which we assess as changeable), and uncertainty (That which we cannot confidently predict about the future).  There are many signs of taking offence. (Insecurity, avoidance, impatience, comparisons and competition, Demandingness, being stubborn to name a few readily identifiable examples)

I do hope that I haven’t offended anyone thus far but who is the only person responsible for your inner sense of self, well-being and emotional state?

If we take full responsibility for self, then the antidote to taking offence unnecessarily is mindfulness. Mindfulness facilitates learning as does acceptance, curiousity, patience, trust, non-striving and most difficult of all, letting go of the mindless cycle of toxic thinking, emotions and behaviour.

If we work on our psychological robustness and emotional fitness (Mindfulness) we will give ourselves the best chance of accepting feedback and not taking offence.

In taking a more mindful approach we can avoid attachment to the sense of self we are trying to protect.

The other and not insignificant benefit is that in not taking offence the evidence tells us that we will enjoy a longer, healthier, happier life of well-being full of mutually beneficial relationships and wonderful coaching conversations.

That’s why Coaching and Coaching Supervision is so important and necessary at this time. Good Coaches don’t take offence, they learn…Well hopefully most of the time…. We are only human but the choice is yours.

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